Hello everybody! Today, I’m very excited to be welcoming Chloë Perrin, who wrote His Royal Hopeless, to share the queen in their book’s version of a Christmas speech. Onto the post!
Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without the Queen’s speech – and the same goes for in Waning, the setting of His Royal Hopeless in which the terrifying Sinistevil royal family reign. So, to get everyone in the yuletide spirit, here is Queen Viella Sinistevil’s annual Christmas Day Speech, made to the people of Waning from the highest balcony of Sinistevil Castle (so as to avoid any projectiles).
Here we are again. The season of Winter Festivals. It will come as no surprise to you that I despise this season, where horrible little families gather around their horrible little fires, exchanging worthless gifts and yammering on about the importance of love and friendship (give me a moment to vomit).
Dear peasants, the only good thing about this season is that when hope and love are so disgustingly visible, they are so much easier to crush. Oh, the joy I feel when my army intercepts the post carrier and throws all the incoming presents into the river, right in front of the crying children and weeping parents.
Brings a tear to my eye.
What does not fill me with joy, however, are these decorations I’ve seen cropping up all over the town. Devon (my twerp of a head servant) has informed me that these horrible little multicoloured pustules are called fairy lights.
Even the name turns my stomach. And don’t even get me started on carollers – if I hear so much as a BAR of “Jingle Bells” I will tie the offenders up with their precious little FAIRY LIGHTS and have my crows drop them off something very high onto something very sharp.
The horrors of the holiday season have even infiltrated my own home. Just this morning, my useless worm child of a son tried to offer me a (ugh) mince pie for breakfast. If I could have choked him with it, I would have. Alas, I settled for crushing it under my boot.
He tests me.
A few of my braver advisors made the suggestion that the people of Waning may appreciate more Christmas cheer from my annual speeches. Those advisors are now in the dungeons, battling off giant rats with a single stick.
Who needs CHEER? CHEER doesn’t get results! CHEER doesn’t make the masses bow! I AM NOT THE QUEEN OF CHEER!
You know what does get results? TYRANNY. Peasants of Waning, may this be the year of unending tyranny! May all your shacks be burnt to the ground, and may the glow of your precious FAIRY LIGHTS be dimmed by the constant crushing of your harvests. With hate and horror
Thank you so much for reading! Have you read His Royal Hopeless, or are you planning to? Whose Christmas speech do you prefer, our actual Queen’s or Queen Viella’s?! I’d love to hear in the comments!