Guest Post: Noah’s Christmas Message by Simon James Green 

Hello everybody! It’s the 23rd of December, can you believe it? I’m so sad that blogmas is almost over, but today I have a fabulous festive treat to share! Noah, from Noah Can’t Even, has written a Christmas Message, which his lovely author Simon James Green has sent along. Over to Noah! 

The Queen’s Noah’s Christmas Message

Hello everyone, and many festive greetings to you all! As I write this, I am eating a warmed mince pie, a cracker sitting temptingly on my desk, as a lone choirboy sings ‘Silent Night’ outside in the snow. Lol, joking! It’s actually November and we’ve got a supply teacher in History and no work has been set, so we’re allowed to do what we want once we’ve completed his word search handout. You’ll be pleased to know I found all fifteen words in under eight minutes – pretty good going when you consider they can be going any direction, backwards or forwards! Anyway, Mr. Baxter set us a task to write a ‘Christmas Message’ in an attempt to use interesting teaching methods to help us ‘analyse our progress’ (ooh, has someone got an OFTSED inspection coming up?) so here is my work:

As well as being a time for candles, turkey and nuts, Christmas is a time for reflection – and I have been doing a lot of that, let me tell you. I’ve been doing so much reflecting, I’m practically a mirror. And what do I see? Well, I see a year that’s been pretty damn awful. Most of my years end up being pretty bad, but 2017 was especially catastrophic for me since Knobface Simon James Green decided to write his book about me and Scholastic, who I assume are some sort of trendy London company full of people who eat avocados, published it. Now everyone knows everything about me, including my most private thoughts and musings and it’s awful. With the devastating news that the book was optioned for a TV show, and a sequel is coming out next year, I have been actively looking at options for living on Mars, as I believe they are looking for volunteers to form a colony there and start a new society. I have sent in my application for this and expect a positive response, as I feel I have many desirable qualities that the new society would need, e.g. I have Scout badges for knots, first aid, fire safety, hillwalking, naturalist and model maker, amongst many others. BTW, the ‘naturalist’ badge is about nature, and shouldn’t be confused with a ‘naturist’ badge, which is someone who likes to go around with no clothes on. There isn’t a Scout badge for naturism, as far as I know. 

Anyhoo, it’s important not to focus on negative things, so I have also been thinking about GOOD things about this year that I am grateful for:

Am Student Librarian 

Harry 

Sophie is in Milton Keynes but I have an invitation to visit at any time (with a minimum forty-eight hour notice, she says). 

Gran is pretty cool at the moment and we are re-watching all the Joan Hickon Miss Marple episodes together.

Most of the stuff they said would happen in our Year 7 puberty talk has now happened, I think, although not everything, but I guess there’s still time and things happen at different times for different people so it’s not even an issue so shut up. 

OK, so what about 2018? What are my hopes and dreams? Other than a nuclear accident vaporizing my mother, or an admin error delivering several tons of Skittles to my door, my main hope is that people STOP BEING DICKS and we can all just get on and sort out some of the really important stuff, like the fact we’re all going to be incinerated because of global warming, or die in the antibiotic apocalypse, or a billion other awful things. But all that’s for later – for now we must focus on nice things because it’s Christmas. We must think of Father Christmas and his sack of toys, and singing traditional carols like ‘Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart’ by popular music band, ‘The Wham!’ Funny story: I knew a woman called Carol and the thing was, she didn’t like carols. That’s pretty awkward, right?!

I hope you have a happy 2018 and I’d like to wish you much festive cheer and thank you for listening to my assorted musings. A very merry Christmas – and a happy Noah year! Ha! (Is that funny? I think that’s funny). 

Noah Grimes x

A comment from Mr Baxter: 

B+ (This would have been an A, Noah, but I had to cross out several inappropriate words. You shouldn’t refer to SJG as ‘Knobface’ in a piece of formal writing, so suggest you take this bit out. Also, for your information, I don’t have an OFTSED inspection coming up and don’t appreciate your sarcastic tone. Please see me. Mr. Baxter). 

Thank you so much for reading! Are you a fan of Noah Can’t Even? What have been your best moments this year? Let me know in the comments or on Twitter @GoldenBooksGirl, and I’ll see you tomorrow for the last day of blogmas,

Amy xxx

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Character Q&A… Noah Grimes from Noah Can`t Even

Hello everybody!

Today I have a super exciting post to share with you all- a character Q&A with Noah Grimes from the hilarious Noah Can`t Even! I hope you all enjoy reading his answers as much as I did when they pinged into my email inbox…

Hi Noah. Welcome to Golden Books Girl, I`m so excited to have you!

Thank you, Amy. It is a delight and pleasure to be here. I am sick of Simon getting all the glory for what is basically MY WORK. He is like that person who does a group project with you at school, DOES NOTHING, makes you do EVERYTHING, and still takes the credit. Anyway, this is not about him, so let’s get on with it…

For anyone who hasn`t read Noah Can`t Even, can you sum it up in 5 words or less?

Load. Of. Badly. Written. Lies.

On a similar note, can you describe yourself in 140 characters?

Intelligent and nice boy, nearly 16, probably going to be a Prefect next year (not bragging but it’s true).

One of the first things that attracted me to the book was the cover. Did you/Simon have any say on it, and do you feel it suits the book?

No, it was all done with anyone bothering or having the common decency to mention it to me! The cover is appalling and is clearly meant to titillate. I would have preferred a nice flower on the front, a majestic bird of prey, or maybe a picture of all my awards and certificates from school. If the book is about me, shouldn’t the picture be something to do with me?! I don’t even like bananas. They are a devil fruit.

One of my favourite things about the book were the embarrassing situations you got yourself into. If you were to choose your most embarrassing moment ever, what would it be?

Well, the time when I wet myself on the Year 8 trip to the London Dungeon was pretty awful. Everyone thought it was because I was scared when the out-of-work actor dressed up as blood-crazed monster jumped out at me, but the truth was I was suffering from a bladder infection, which is a genuine medical condition and NOT A LAUGHING MATTER. However, everyone did laugh and they had to cordon off a section of the attraction for health and safety reasons. I had to wear a pair of PE shorts for the rest of the day, with no pants underneath, which was very drafty and unpleasant.

And, if you`d like to get your own back on Simon for writing about all of your mishaps, would you be able to tell us one of his most cringeworthy moments?

Oh, I would never be so petty and cruel as to tell you about any of Simon’s cringeworthy moments, like the time he was 13 and doing the high jump at sports day, and was only wearing loose-fitting boxers under his PE shorts, causing him to accidentally reveal his BOY PARTS to the Year 10 girls who were doing the judging… oh whoops, I’ve said it now, oh well. SEE SIMON, IT’S NOT VERY NICE HAVING ALL YOUR PRIVATE EMBARRASSMENTS BROADCAST FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, IS IT?

I know you have a complicated home/school life, and face quite a few problems throughout the book. If a genie granted you three wishes to change anything about your life, what would they be?

To be a self-made multi-billionaire with all the trappings of wealth, including a private island, massive yacht and a Nespresso machine.
For the school to guarantee that I would definitely be Head Boy in the Sixth Form, and it didn’t need to be voted on or anything.
For gran not to have dementia and to be alive as long as I was.

Related to the above question, if anyone reading was facing similar issues to you, what advice would you give them?

Talk to a responsible adult. Unfortunately, all the adults in my life are COMPLETE MORONS who are SELFISH and completely wrapped up in their own SORRY CATASTROPHES of lives, so are useless and I’m better off sorting things out myself. (Except for Gran, of course, who is quite helpful, so if you’ve got a gran you’ll probably be OK).

From reading the book, I don’t think you`ve ever been abroad on holiday. If you could choose any country to visit, where would you want to go and what would you want to do there? And who would you take with you?

Well, NOT FRANCE, because of the incident on the Year 8 French residential trip… um, maybe Iceland, because I don’t really like a lot of heat / people being naked on the beach, and Iceland is nice and cold. I would definitely take Harry as he is my favourite person and the ideal travel companion in that he doesn’t selfishly hog all the arm-rest.

Tell us 5 random facts about you, preferably ones that DON`T appear in Noah Can`t Even

My middle name is a closely guarded secret. It begins with ‘O’ but that’s as much as I will tell you – other than it was my mother having a laugh.
I can’t do mental arithmetic.
My favourite breakfast cereal is Coco Pops.
When nobody is looking I sometimes still get my Lego out and build designs for airports, high security vaults and secret government research facilities because I find it quite interesting and it’s a legitimate academic exercise, I’m not playing with toys or anything.
My favourite Agatha Christie novel is ‘The Murder of Roger Ackroyd’.

Finally, can you give us any juicy titbits about your 2nd adventure, which I believe Simon is currently writing?

Well, it all starts when the French Exchange students come to visit, and like everything in my life, nothing runs smoothly. There’s a drag queen involved, quite a lot of cheese, and an aggressive goose.

Quick-fire round:

Favourite animal?

A Noah-potamus. Lol!

Favourite chocolate bar?

A Cadbury’s Flake. Very sensuous!

Haribo or Skittles?

I like both, but probably Skittles because they’re just a bit more mature, you know? Haribo is kind of for kids really.

Miss Marple or Poirot?

Miss Marple. Especially when she is played by Joan Hickson, who was my favourite TV Miss Marple ever.

Inspired by your mum`s job- Beyoncé or Jay-Z?

My mother and her excuse for a ‘tribute act’ has put me off all forms of popular music. Instead, I enjoy listening to my ‘Spa Reflections’ album, which is a compilation of haunting chords and various wispy sounds of waves and wind, designed to relax you, during a massage treatment, for example.

Thanks again for being interviewed Noah. Hope you enjoyed answering these as much as I enjoyed writing them 🙂

Thank you. I feel I have been a good guest and I’m sure you are grateful. May I just remind everyone that I am on Twitter – @noahgrimes12 – unlike certain members of my Year who are busy snap-chatting appalling parts of their body to one another, I am making witty observations and informing people about my life, like a responsible, law-abiding citizen.

Thank you all so much for reading my interview with Noah, I hope you enjoyed it! If you did, I seriously recommend following both Noah and Simon on Twitter; they`re hilarious! If you`ve read Noah Can`t Even, I`d love to hear what you think of it in the comments below or on my Twitter @GoldenBooksGirl

See you soon with a new post,
Amy xxx